


O Captain My Captain! Rise Up And Hear The Bells!

by Mercedesbt1224



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chess, Emotional pain, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, I'm a slut for spock calling jim "james", Injury, M/M, Mild Smut, Near Death, Not Star Trek Beyond Compliant, Past Spock/Nyota Uhura, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, T'hy'la, this may make you cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 19:56:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15893031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercedesbt1224/pseuds/Mercedesbt1224
Summary: James T. Kirk was like a tropical rainstorm. An unstoppable force. The more Spock tried to understand him, the less he could.The story of Spock and how his love for Jim Kirk shapes him into who he is. How Spock learns how much Jim means to him. How Spock learns to love the rainstorm that is James T. Kirk. How he almost loses Jim along the way.I suck at summaries but this is good I promise.





	O Captain My Captain! Rise Up And Hear The Bells!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoy! Inspired by "O captain my Captain" by Walt Whitman.

Nyota Uhura and James T. Kirk were two very different people, Spock knew as much. Nyota was like a soft spring day. Her warm smile and gentle touches were pleasant and welcomed by Spock. He enjoyed her presence and company greatly and she helped him embrace the humanity in romantic relationships. Nyota was supportive and kind and Spock would be lying if he said he did not love her. Spock would also be lying if he said that Nyota’s love was enough for him. Her soft warm love was pleasant, and he was content with it for awhile. Until he met Jim. If Nyota was a soft spring morning, Jim was a downpouring thunderstorm. When Spock first met James T. Kirk he instantly despised him. His arrogance and recklessness during the attack of Nero filled Spock with such rage he nearly killed the man. Once the fight was over however, gone was the arrogant and selfish man Spock thought was James kirk, and now a man who thrived as captain, filled with compassion and kindness took his place. This new James Kirk took it upon himself to apologize relentlessly for the words he said on the bridge about Spocks mother. After explaining the meld on delta Vega and how his counterpart instructed him to say those things Spock found he saw Jim in a new light. The first time Spock and Jim played chess together it was awkward at first. Neither quite comfortable with each other yet however Spock enjoyed Jim’s erratic playing style and found him to be a worthy opponent. By the fifth game all negative regard for Jim had been discarded.

 It wasn’t until Jim died in the radiation chamber that Spock understood Jim Kirk. He was loud and emotional. The exact opposite of what Vulcans considered to be attractive, yet Spock was drawn into the orbit of Jim kirk in an inescapable way. As Jim lay there dying, Spock could only think of all the things he never got to say, and never got to do. He understood suddenly that the rainstorm that was Jim Kirk was also the water that made the flowers of Spocks garden grow. Spock could only wish that he could open his arms up to the sky and let the rain of Jim Kirk wash over him. Instead, he put his hands on the glass in the shape of the Ta’al and watched the life leave his friends eyes.

During the two weeks Jim Kirk was in a coma after Khan many things changed for Spock. He found he could no longer lie to himself about his feelings for Jim nor could he lie about his lack of feelings for Nyota. Sure, Spock found her attractive and sure they had had sex, but Spock was not drawn to her the way he was drawn to Jim. Nyota was like family in a sense where as Jim stirred something within him. Something primitive and possessive. Something that scared Spock a little but also excited him. Nyota knew of course. As they sat in a café drinking tea Spock had told her and she did not seem shocked, only a little sad.

“I know honey. I think I’ve known for a long time now. It wasn’t until I saw the way you attacked Khan that I fully understood though. I love you honey I really do and I know that you love me, but your heart belongs to him doesn’t it?” Nyota had said as Spock looked down in shame

“Nyota please understand I hold the highest regard for you and care for you extremely deeply. You are correct though. I love him beyond words. I am deeply apologetic Nyota.” Spock had said, staring down at his tea cup.

“Why? Why are you apologetic? I thought apologies were illogical? You shouldn’t be sorry for loving him Spock. You deserve love and happiness and if you can find it with him then I’m happy for you honey.”

“Nyota I do not know what to say”

“Don’t say anything honey. Go be with him. Go be happy” She said with a soft smile. Spock took her advice and did just that. Seven days later, Jim woke up. Words could not describe what it was like to see Jim’s eyes filled with life again. After seeing them so empty, so hollow, in the warp core, he was overwhelmed to see those blue eyes flashing with life. Jim looked tired, pale, and weak, but alive regardless. When Jim thanked him, Spock meant many things when he said, “You are welcome, Jim.”

So that took him to the night where everything changed. Standing outside the captain’s quarters six months into their five year mission, willing himself to knock. Spock had not thought confessing his love to Jim would be so difficult as it had been rather easy to confess attraction to Nyota. Spock was incorrect. In all his years Spock had done many terrifying things and faced death many times yet the idea of telling Jim he loved him made Spock want to run and hide like a child. What if Jim did not return his feelings? What if it destroyed the friendship Spock cherished so much? How could Spock survive without Jim? Spock mentally chastised himself for the fifteenth time today. He had promised Nyota he would take the risk. He had promised himself as much as well. And so, with a slightly trembling hand, Spock knocked.

“Come on in” came the sweet sound of Jim’s voice as the doors swished open to grant access.

“good evening captain.” Spock said as he walked in and eyed the chess board on the table, all set up and ready to go.

“come on Spock we’re not on duty call me Jim.” Jim said, rolling his eyes from his place on the couch. He was stirring sugar into a cup of tea. Jim had also placed a cup of Vulcan tea across the table where Spock usually sat.

“My apologies Jim. How are you this evening?” Spock said as he sat down and took in the sight of Jim. Jim had removed his command golds and instead wore just regulation pants and a form fitting navy blue t-shirt. The shirt brought out the blue of Jim’s eyes wonderfully. Spock took a sip of tea and attempted to hide the heat rising in his cheeks.

“I’m pretty good Spock, how about you? Ready to lose at chess?” Jim replied with a soft laugh that made Spocks heart pound.

“I would like to see you try” Spock replied dryly. Jim laughed again, a rich warm sound that filled Spock with joy. And so the game of chess began. They spoke of their day and the upcoming shore leave on Amarious Seven, a nearby planet known for its warm tropical weather.

“I rented a beach house on Amarious right by the water” Jim said enthusiastically as his knight took Spocks rook. Spock had learned that Jim greatly enjoyed water and had a particular affinity for the ocean.

“What about you Spock? You and Nyota having a romantic getaway?” Jim asked, one eyebrow raised

“pardon?” Spock said, shocked.

“Well I mean I heard that it’s a great romantic getaway planet… I figured you and your girlfriend would-“

“Nyota and I are not romantically involved anymore Jim” Spock said, cutting him off.

“We haven’t been for almost eight months.” Spock was absolutely shocked that he had forgotten to tell Jim this

“What the hell? When were you going to tell me this?” Jim said placing his hands on the table

“I am very sorry Jim. It happened during your revival and I believe my concern for your well being caused me to forget to mention the fact to you.” Spock said as he looked at Jim’s hands and fought the desire to put his hands on top of them.

“Well at least I know now” Jim said with another glorious laugh “So what do you plan on doing with your shore leave then?”

“I have no plans at present time” Spock replied still fighting the urge to touch Jim’s hands.

“Well you could always come with me? The beach house has a guest room you could stay in” Jim said a slight red hue appearing on his cheeks

“I do not wish to impose”

“come on Spock you wouldn’t be imposing! It’d be fun!” Jim said and flashed that bright smile that Spock could never resist in a million years.

“Well then… I look forward to it Jim” Spock replied the corner of his lips rising ever so slightly. Jim’s smile grew even larger until it was bright enough to outshine the stars. As the chess game progressed Spock began to feel anxiety building in his chest. His time to confess was running out as was his courage. His fear of rejection was playing in a constant loop in his mind and even his Vulcan meditation training could not control it.

“Spock its your move” Jim’s voice snapped Spock out of his thoughts and he realized he had been staring at Jim’s hand, still lying on the table for several minutes.

“my apologies Jim I was, as humans might put it, lost in thought.” Jim smirked a little and shifted his hand on the table

“What’s on your mind Spock” Jim asked softly, staring into Spocks eyes. Spock was immediately lost in those blue eyes.

“It is nothing to be concerned with Jim” Spock replied placing his shaky hand on the table next to Jim’s. Spock could almost feel the energy and heat radiating in the small space between the two hands.

“it’s still your move Spock” Jim said glancing down at the chess board then back into his eyes. Spock swallowed thickly.

“Make your move Spock.” Jim said again. Spock began to wonder if Jim was even talking about the game anymore. Spock found he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jim’s. Suddenly Jim slammed his hand down onto the table.

“It’s been six fucking months Spock! Make your goddamn move!” Jim yelled and suddenly Spock knew Jim was not talking about chess.

“Come on! Do it!” Jim cried. And so, Spock did. With one sweep of his arm the chess board was flung from the table and onto the floor. Spock lunged across the table and Jim met him halfway. Their mouths met in a fiery kiss hard enough to leave bruises. The heat of Jim’s mouth was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. Their tongues intertwined and Spocks hands scrambled to meet Jim’s skin. It was awkward kissing half bent over the table so after a moment Jim broke away, only for a moment. He quickly climbed onto the table and shuffled so he was sitting on the edge in front of Spock. Spock was breathing heavily, all Vulcan control gone. Jim panted softly then licked his lips. Spock took that as an invitation. He dove in again and captured Jim in another fiery kiss. Jim’s legs wrapped around Spocks waist and yanked him closer. Spock reached for Jim’s hand, which was tangled in Spocks black shirt, and pressed his palm against Jim’s. Spock couldn’t contain the moan from escaping out his throat when he felt the tingles shoot up his arms. Nothing had ever felt this good, this right. Spocks tongue explored the warmth of Jim’s mouth as Jim ran his fingers up and down Spocks hand. Jim’s free hand was rubbing lazy circles on the small of Spocks back, under his shirt. Spock could feel the emotions coming off Jim through his touch. _WantLustNeedLoveLoveLoveLove_. So much love. Spock pressed his growing erection into Jim and found that Jim was in the same predicament. Jim broke the kiss once more, panting heavily. He rested his forehead against Spocks and breathed deeply.

“Spock… I need you. Do you want me?” Jim asked, his voice husky and thick with lust.

“I want you. I want all of you if you’ll allow me.” Spock replied, his free hand tangling in Jim’s blonde hair.

“Take me then. I’m yours. I always have been.” Jim said as he ran his fingers down Spocks once again. Spock shivered then, with a bit of reluctance, dislodged his fingers from Jim’s, only to wrap them under Jim’s thighs and lift him up. Jim let out a small gasp as Spock carried Jim over to the bed. He placed Jim down gently then quickly, wasting no time, removed his shirt and pants, leaving only his boxers. Jim scrambled to do the same and moments later they were joined by the lips again. Spock crawled on top of Jim and ran his hands down Jim’s perfect body. Spock knew what he wished to do suddenly. His hand came up to land on Jim’s temple and Spock broke the kiss momentarily.

“Jim… may I?” Spock whispered. Jim blinked then suddenly he understood what Spock was asking to do.

“Yes. Please. Do it” he replied, resting his hand on top of Spocks.

“My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts” Spock murmured as they were plunged into the meld. It was pleasure beyond pleasure. Jim’s mind was golden like the sun, and positively radiant. Spock knew the moment he entered Jim’s mind exactly where he was. Spock was home. 

 

It wasn’t until one year, three months later that Spock finally understood just how much Jim really was home. Just how lost Spock would be without him. The planet had been uninhabited, or so they thought. They learned very quickly that it was inhabited by very hostile aliens. The people of this planet descended upon the landing party quickly and with no mercy. The two ensigns who had accompanied them and doctor McCoy had beamed up first and just in time too. Unfortunately, the transporter chose that moment to stop functioning leaving Jim and Spock stranded. If Spock believed in luck he would say Jim and he had bad luck. The people of this planet attacked, and Spock and Jim fought valiantly. They were outmatched however. It wasn’t until a well aimed arrow hit Jim square in the abdomen did Spock understand that they may die. He wasted no time in flinging Jim over his shoulder and sprinting full speed into the forest. After a half hour of running Spock found a small cave in which to take shelter. Jim had lost consciousness minutes after being hit with the arrow and had yet to regain it. He lay Jim down on the cave floor and began to asses his injuries. Within minutes Spock knew the exact survival rate that Jim had. Spock did not like the percentage he had calculated. At that moment Jim began to stir. A low steady moan escaped his lips and his hands curled into fists. Spock was at his side in an instant, hands cradling his face.

“Sp-spock” Jim choked out, his eyes blinking open

“Yes Jim I am here. Do not attempt to move” Spock replied stroking Jim’s cheekbone with his thumb.

“What happened?” he asked. Spock sucked in a breath, afraid to say just how bad the situation was out loud, as if by staying quiet it wasn’t true.

“You were struck by an arrow from this planets natives. It hit you in the abdomen, I believe it may have punctured your intestine however the bleeding is not too severe.” Spock said. He did not want to say the rest.

“there’s more isn’t there?” Jim said, his voice only a whisper.

“I… I believe the arrow contained poison that is now slowly killing you, captain.” Spock said, not looking Jim in the eyes.

“how long?” Jim asked. Spock did not reply.

“Spock how long?” Jim asked again, reaching his finger out to touch Spocks wrist.

“I believe under an hour” Spock said, his voice breaking slightly. Jim inhaled sharply and cleared his throat. Jim’s fingers began to trace the veins in Spocks wrist.

“It’ll be ok” Jim whispered. No this was all wrong, Spock thought to himself. Jim was the one dying yet he was comforting Spock.

“I cannot reach the enterprise.” Spock said. Jim did not respond to that, he only blinked slowly. Finally, Spock looked Jim in the eyes. Jim’s blue eyes were slightly red and glassy from unshed tears, yet they were still Jim’s eyes.

“Jim… I cannot- I cannot lose you again. I cannot watch you die once more. Please do not leave me again” Spock pleaded softly as his vision blurred with tears.

“Spock lay next to me. Please. Let’s talk.” Jim said. Jim’s throat bobbed with the effort of swallowing. Spock did exactly that. He lay next to Jim, his shoulder pressed against Jim’s and stared up at the ceiling of the cave.

“tell me Spock, do you have a favourite song? One that you play on the Lyre?” Jim asked softly.

“Favourites are illogical Jim” Spock replied automatically.

“I know, but if you had to pick?”

“I suppose it would be _ang'jmizn Arev halan_. The name roughly translates to: Captain of the Deserts voyage. Although it could also mean: Captain of the winds voyage. It is a song about a man who travels through the desert in search of an oasis. Along the way he meets many men who join him in his travel and see him as their leader.” Spock said.

“Wow. That sounds incredible. Will you play it for me someday?” Jim asked. He did not mention the fact that it was unlikely Spock would ever have the opportunity to do so.

“Of course, Jim. I believe you will enjoy it very much the song reminds me of you”

“Well… if it reminds You of me then… if I don’t make it back play it for me at my funeral ok?” Jim said very quietly. Spock wanted to argue that Jim would make it back, but Spock knew the odds.

“yes Jim. I will.” Spock said, his voice thick with tears.

“There is a poem I love. Will you read that too? At my funeral” Jim continued

“Yes Jim. What poem is it?”

“O Captain my Captain” Jim replied, his voice so quiet anyone without Vulcan ears would’ve missed it. The first tear escaped Spocks eye. He knew the poem and knew what it was about.

“O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done, the ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,” Jim coughed violently, a sound that made Spocks chest ache, before continuing his reciting.

 “The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, while follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring” Jim coughed again and let out a slow moan of pain. He did not continue reciting, possibly because he did not have the strength to do so.

“But O heart! heart! heart O the bleeding drops of red,” Spock continued, his voice soft and pained

“where on the deck my Captain lies,” Spock paused, hesitant to say the next line.

“Fallen cold and dead” he finally croaked out. Waves of pain rolled over him like a tsunami. His Jim was dying. His rainstorm was drying up and leaving him once again. Spock could not finish the poem.

“taluhk nash-veh k’dula” Spock said after a moment. Jim's breathing was ragged at this point.

“I… Love… You… Too.” Jim said between rasping breaths.

“T’hy’la ri tor trasha” _Do not leave_. Spock could not stop the tears now as they poured down his face freely. He reached out and took Jim's hand in his own.

“Please T’hy’la you must stay. You must live. My James please.” Spock sobbed out.

“What… does that… word mean?” Jim croaked out

“T’hy’la?”

“Yeah”

“It means everything Jim. Brother, friend, lover. It is a sacred bond. Soulmate. We are T’hy’la Jim.” Spock said through quiet sobs.

“Tell me… about something.” Jim said. Spock paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say.

“When I was a child we took a trip to earth several times. Although my father went very often I only went four times before the age of seventeen. When I was eleven earth years old I went to a cabin in a place called British Colombia. My mother’s cousin lived there, and we were invited to visit. We stayed in her cabin by a lake and a mountain. It was just my mother and I as my father was busy with business and the woman who owned the cabin was called off planet last minute. We spent the weekend there. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen Jim. The water was crystal clear, and the mountain was so mighty and lush with life. My mother taught me to swim in that lake. Now that she is dead I often think of that lake. It reminds me of her now that she is gone. I have been to many planets and yet nothing has ever looked quite like that lake.” Spock said as he pictured the serene lake and that mighty mountain. Jim coughed again for several minutes. When he finished his breathing was even more erratic.

“What… Will… remind… you… of me.” Jim forced out. Spock could tell it was taking so much energy just to say those simple sentences. Spock let out another sob before answering Jim.

“Everything James. The golden sun the same colour as your hair. The ship which will feel empty without your presence. The music of the lyre which will sound like your laugh. The blue of the ocean which will be your eyes. The world will remind me of you Jim. It will remind me constantly that you are not with me. All things beautiful will remind me of you. All things beautiful James.” Spock said. Through their hands Spock could feel the life draining from Jim. He gripped Jim’s hand as if to hold onto his life. As if to stop the living from slipping out of his fingers. Jim squeezed back softly

“I love you James. I love you. My James. I lo-“ Spocks sobs were interrupted by the crackle of his communicator. In a second Spock was on his feet with his communicator in his hands

“Spock here, enterprise come in” Spock was saying, desperations running through him.

“Enterprise here” said the voice of none other than scotty.

“Beam us up immediately scotty. Alert medical the captain is in dire need to medical attention” Spock snapped

“yes sir” scotty replied. Spock knelt next to Jim's body. His breathing was extremely shallow now. Spock took Jim’s hand once more

“Stay with me Jim. Stay with me” he chanted, unsure if Jim could even hear him anymore. He felt the familiar tingle of the transporter and within seconds he was kneeling on the transporter pad floor. Doctor McCoy was upon them instantly, running a tricorder over Jim and swearing profusely.

“Spock help me get him on the stretcher!” Bones said, grabbing Jim by the arms. Spock wasted no time lifting Jim onto the stretcher and ran next to it as Jim was wheeled into sickbay. Within seconds Spock was being ushered out of sickbay by a nurse.

“please do not take him from me! Please” Spock cried as the nurse promptly shoved him out the door. Spock was about to overpower her, he could have done so easily, when he heard the soothing voice of Nyota Uhura.

“Shh Spock its ok come with me.” She said as she gently tugged on his shoulder, leading him into the hallway. She pulled him into a gentle embrace which Spock gladly accepted.

“Everything will be alright. If anyone can save him it’s Bones.” She whispered into his ear. Nyota sat with Spock in the hallway while Jim was in surgery. She held him close and whispered reassurances into his ear. Several ensigns walked by and gave curious looks to Spock, who had tears freely flowing down his face. After what felt like days, but was only approximately four hours, Bones emerged from sickbay. His apron was bloodied but his face did not look sad, only tired. He didn’t look surprised to see Spock sitting on the floor.

“he’s going to be okay Spock. You can come in now if you want. He should wake up soon.” Bones said. And just like that, the tropical storm known as James T. Kirk had began to pour down again. And once again Spock relished in the feeling of the rain on his skin, like water in the desert. Spock approached the Bio-bed containing the sleeping form of Jim. He looked pale, weak. Spock sat in a plastic chair beside the bed and waited. He waited for his T’hy’las eyes to open again, to prove to Spock that he was alive. After half an hour it happened. Those blue, blue eyes opened again. Cloudy with sedation but full of life.

“Spock” Jim croaked

“Hush my James. You are very weak right now. Rest.” Spock said, stroking Jim’s forehead.

“Here Captain! dear father. This arm beneath your head” Jim said, once again reciting the poem. He stopped, waiting for Spock to finish the line. Spock was not hesitant to say this next line because in a sense it is true

“It is some dream that on the deck, you’ve fallen cold and dead.” He said. Yes, it is some dream because it is not true. Here his captain lies warm and alive. Spock leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to Jim’s mouth

“my captain shall never die” Spock says softly as Jim closes his eyes, falling back into sleep. Spock waits several minutes before he speaks again.

“my T’hy’la will never die”

 

Some fear the rain and thunder. Perhaps Spock used to as well. Now Spock understands that without the rain he cannot grow. Without the rain he will dry up like the deserts on Vulcan. His T’hy’la. His James T. Kirk is rain unlike any other. It is terrifying and amazing all at once. Spock loves to bask in his rain. He loves to let it run down his face and body. He loves to feel it on his skin. Jim is no storm. no, Jim is new life. He is the rain that makes the flowers grow and makes the grasses greener. Spock could not survive without James T. Kirk. And even if he could… he would not want to.   

 

   

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment letting me know what you think and kudos if you enjoyed it! Feel free to leave plot suggestions for future fics!


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